Friday, February 6, 2009

Remember Confucius?

The other day a ran across some old Confucius jokes. Remember, Confucius Says…

Confucius_02Well, there really was a Confucius. You can read about him in Wikipedia. He is said to be a thinker and philosopher whose teaching deeply influenced Oriental life. I am sure he is NOT responsible for the following “wisdom”. but there is some wisdom in some of these along with a smile or maybe a chuckle.

Enjoy… Confucius Says:

  • War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left.
  • Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.
  • Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out."
  • A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
  • When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
  • Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
  • He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
  • Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
  • People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
  • Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
  • Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.
  • Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
  • Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
  • Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
  • Man who love and loses, have not right lawyer.
  • Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
  • Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  • Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
  • Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make
  • Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser.
  • He who have last laugh, not get joke.
  • Man who throw away watch, wasting time.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
  • He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep. 
  • He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.
  • Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
  • Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.  
  • Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam.
  • Man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.
  • Man with big mouth, beware of foot.
  • Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
  • Man who sit on tack get point!
  • Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
We’re on a journey, each of us.
Do you know where you are headed?

Quote of the Day
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad. 
~Arnold H. Glasgow

Joke of the Day

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

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1 comment:

Lynne said...

I got one for you....

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road??

Answer: There are skid marks in front of the skunk!