It's Football Season: Quotes & Jokes

Quotes About Football
My cousin, Don, sent me a list of football quotes the other day. I listed a eight of them below:

1. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas
   
   
2. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' - Joe Namath / Alabama
   
   
3. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama
   
   
4. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
   
   
5. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
   
   
6. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' - Shug Jordan / Auburn
   
   
7. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
   
   
8. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' - John Heisman

If you would like to see the complete list of 36 quotes go to my Miscellany page. There you can download the complete pdf file.

Football Jokes
Ken, my next door neighbor, sent me some football jokes a few weeks ago.

These are jokes flowing out of rival school regarding arrests of so many football players on another team: (I have changed the school names to protect myself from the anger of fans.)

• A lady in the TEAM's town calls 911. Hysterically, she says,"Someone’s just broke into my house, and I think he’s going to rob me!" The police officer says, "We’re really busy at the moment. Just get the guy’s jersey number and we’ll get back to you."
  
  
• Q: What is the coach's biggest concern?
  A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
  
  
• Q: What do you call a drug ring in TEAM's town?
  A: A huddle
  
  
• Q: Four football players are in a car, who’s driving?
  A: The police
  
  
• Q: Why can’t most of the football players get into a huddle on the field?
  A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
  
  
• The TEAM has adopted a new Honor System. "Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor".
  
  
• The TEAM is expecting a 7-6 season this year. 7 Arrests, 6 convictions.
  
  
• Q: How will the TEAM spend the first week of Spring Training?
  A: Studying their Miranda Rights

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
My Dad has always been a good example.
I am thankful I have such a good Dad.

We're going to Knoxville today to celebrate Dad's 95th Birthday. He's saved me a few tomatoes from his garden.

~~~
Quote of the Day
Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught.
~J.C. Watts

~~~
Joke of the Day

ICE FISHING CONTEST

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a tea m of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry asked Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below

A Real Pet

Patches
Today I have a YouTube video clip to show you about a horse. The horse is named Patches. This horse acts more like a dog, than a horse. Well, you'll have to watch it to see what I mean.

I love animals, but for a pet, I think I would stick to a dog or cat.

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
I'm glad I still have enough teeth to eat corn on the cob.
Get it steaming hot, load with butter and a little salt. Yum Yum.

~~~
Quote of the Day
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
~David Star Jordan

~~~
Joke of the Day

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read:

"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below

Seven Wonders

The following web link tells a story about a teacher asking her class to list what they thought were the top seven wonders of the world. One girl's list was very touching and teaches us a good lesson. Here's the link...

Seven Wonders of the World

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
When you quit, the game is over.
We should never quit trying to be a better person.

~~~
Quote of the Day
"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day."
~Abraham Lincoln

~~~
Joke of the Day

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below

Playing With Words

Someone sent me this list a while back. Each sentence is a play on words, and some of them are very funny and cute. I enjoyed it and hope you will too.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
• A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
The kids are back in school, and there are signs of an ending summer. It would be a good time enjoy the outdoors, before the weather turns cold.

~~~
Quote of the Day
I never had a policy;
I have just tried to do my very best each and every day.
~Abraham Lincoln

~~~
Joke of the Day

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife has left me. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below

Happy Birthday Dad!

To My Dad

Here it is September 2, 2008

Back on this day in 1913, by Dad was born. He is 95 years old today. He may walk a little slower, and may not be able to do what he used to do, but he still has a sharp mind, a twinkle in his eye, a keen wit, a kindness to all people & animals, and a love for God's purpose in his life. He is indeed a very special person, who I wish a very Happy Birthday.

Ray F. White, My Dad
Dad is recognized as America's Oldest Blogger. Check out his blog and some of his web pages. (See Below)

• Dad's Tomato Garden Journal
• Dad's Outdoor Web Cam
• Dad's Home Page
• Dad's Fried Green Tomatoes
• Dad's Songbird & Rose Garden
• Dad's Smile Album
• Dad's Memoirs

We will be celebrating Dad's birthday this coming weekend in Knoxville.

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
Dad, you're not 95 years old.
You are just 30 years old
with 65 years of experience and wisdom.

~~~
Quote of the Day
Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time.
~Jean Paul Richter

~~~
Joke of the Day

Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?”

To which lawyer number one replies, “It's that $50 I owe you.”

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below

It's Labor Day!

A Day of Rest in the USA
Here it is Monday, September 1, 2008, and Labor Day. This year is flying by faster than ever.

The first Labor Day was celebrated in 1882, as the "working man's holiday. Read more about the holiday we call Labor day:

• History of Labor Day
• Labor Day Information
• Work in America

Fish Tale
My friend Ralph came up to me last Friday and said, "I went fishing yesterday and caught a nice bass, but it got away about 3 feet from the bank. It weighed 5 pounds and 4 ounces."

I replied, "Ralph, how did you know how much it weighed if it got away?"

Ralph, with a big grin on his face answered, "Well, Jim, it had scales on its back!"

(I never saw it coming.)

Handyman Tip
You only need two tools to fix just about anything. Those tools are WD-40 and Duct Tape. Here's How-To:

• If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40
• If it shouldn't move and it does, use Duct Tape.

Now that really makes fixing things a lot easier,

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
I remember a little poem I heard as a boy from my Mom and Dad...

A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

~~~
Quote of the Day
Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.
~G.B. Stern

~~~
Joke of the Day

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below

Irish Blessing

A friend sent me this wonderful link, Traditional Irish Blessing. Click on the link or the picture below to see the Irish Blessing and hear some beautiful music.

When I saw this my thoughts went to Ireland and our dear friends there. A warm and hearty greeting to the Nash family, our dear Rebecca, and all our friends in Ireland.

~~~
Tennessee Granddaddy Says:
Replace bad habits with good habits.

~~~
Quote of the Day
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal.
~From a headstone in Ireland

~~~
Jokes of the Day

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?

~~~

The average man's life consists of :

• Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
• Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
• And at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Add your thoughts & ideas to this blog by clicking on the "comments" below